The king shakes every time he stands up
the AI robots are coming for your blackjack money
It’s Sunday. It’s nice outside. I think. I’m not going out there.) And after a couple of sentimental posts for the last couple of weeks, I’m ready to have a little fun. How about it?
If you do prefer a Sentimental Sunday™ or if you’re new here (thanks Mom!), here are a few of the last posts I recommend:
Alright, onto the FUN. …oof, may have gotten too excited with the all caps. Might have pulled something there.
During my wanderings through The Forum Shops at Caesars Palace in Vegas in April, I came across a sign for The Atlantis Show. The sign was near a fountain and set to start in fifteen minutes so I thought, “Oh, why the hell not?” I sat down in front of a tiny aquarium on the backside of the fountain to wait, using that time to stare directly at Cheesecake Factory diners as they tried to pick an entree from a 20-page menu.
The Atlantis Show is not, what you might call, high-tech. It’s built around tall animatronic figures that ascend from under the foundation and look like they were made in the 80s. And also not updated since the 80s. The figures are creaky and their movements are shaky and choppy. But, and this is the best part, THERE IS FIRE. Fire shooting into the sky, fire coming from one of the figure’s sceptres. Once the fire started, I didn’t care much about a whole lot else. It’s fun in that campy sort of way.
Since then, I’ve been thinking about why it probably hasn’t been updated since the 80s. Okay, maybe 90s. Sure, it still works but I’m certain the Disney Imagineers could help them up their game. Also, Vegas has a lot of money flowing through it. Surely someone there could afford to oil some of the figures’ joints or something. Give ‘em a little knee replacement. That’s easy. (Right, Mom?)
Well, obviously, I have a theory as to why these figures have remained as they first were (I assume) and I will be presenting that theory to you in the form of a short play. You’re welcome.
(The Forum Shops at Caesars Palace, after the shops are closed. Yes, things do close in Vegas. Sometimes. Well, these shops close. So, let’s say 11p. ALEX and PHOEBE stand in front of the fountain watching the end of the Atlantis Show.)
ALEX
It’s not so bad.
PHOEBE
The king shakes every time he stands up.
ALEX
Huh. I didn’t notice that.
PHOEBE
Of course not.
(Silence.)
PHOEBE
Their mouths don’t even move.
ALEX
Do they have to?
PHOEBE
They could.
The technology exists.
ALEX
Who’s even paying attention?
(PHOEBE gestures around. ALEX looks around and, seeing no one, makes fun of her gesture.)
ALEX
There’s no one here.
PHOEBE
During the day.
The people who watch when the show plays during the day.
ALEX
What was that gesture for then?
PHOEBE
I was hoping you would understand nuance.
ALEX
It’s nighttime.
It’s not nuance time.
PHOEBE
Oh, I see.
(Silence.)
PHOEBE
You know, I’m not talking about a total overhaul here.
People still watch it.
They have fun. There is fire.
But I think it could be better.
ALEX
You always think “it” could be “better”
PHOEBE
We could start small.
Oil everyone’s joints.
I mean, the King is really having a hard time up there.
Not just the shakes.
It’s like he doesn’t want to stand up anymore.
ALEX
Who does?
PHOEBE
Our princess could probably use a new wig.
Or extensions?
Is that how you handle a wig?
ALEX
…I don’t know.
(Silence.)
ALEX
The fire stuff still works.
PHOEBE
The fire stuff is great.
I wasn’t suggesting we do
anything
with the fire stuff.
ALEX
The fire gets SO BIG.
PHOEBE
It’s my favorite part.
If anything
we could use more fire.
ALEX
Where?
PHOEBE
On the back side.
ALEX
Wouldn’t that fry all the fish in the aquarium?
PHOEBE
The fish are in water.
ALEX
You put lobster in a pot of boiling
water
to kill it.
And eat it.
PHOEBE
I think it would be fine.
Plus, the Cheesecake Factory could use the extra fire to
brulee
their creme brulees.
ALEX
Oh could they?
(Silence.)
PHOEBE
Let’s do a little research.
There might be firecode stuff too.
ALEX
I can help with that.
PHOEBE
Well, it’s part of your job.
So.
ALEX
Right. Yes. Part of my job.
(Silence.)
ALEX
So, we’re tabling this?
Until we do some research?
PHOEBE
I don’t think that’s necessary.
We can still fix it up a little bit.
ALEX
Wouldn’t it be better to do it all at once?
PHOEBE
We weren’t going to do that
even before
I suggested we add more fire.
ALEX
If we do it all in one fell swoop
we won’t have to close the attraction for very long.
PHOEBE
If we do it in little pieces
we won’t have to close the attraction at all.
We can make the fixes at night.
ALEX
Spreading out the work seems like it would cost more money.
PHOEBE
We have the budget for it.
(Silence. This one is very tense and very short.)
ALEX
We don’t have the budget for it.
PHOEBE
Excuse me?
ALEX
We don’t actually have the budget to update this one.
At all.
PHOEBE
Hooooow…how?
ALEX
I used it for something else.
PHOEBE
You knew that money was supposed to be for this!
ALEX
I did not!
I didn’t actually.
The line item just said “Attractions”
so I used it on something else.
PHOEBE
What?
ALEX
This AI robot blackjack thing.
PHOEBE
I haven’t seen that in the office or on the floor anywhere.
ALEX
Oh, we don’t have it.
PHOEBE
But you said…
ALEX
I used a bit of the money to set up a demo of the prototype
and then I
(quiet and mumbly)
lost the rest.
PHOEBE
You lost the whole budget??
ALEX
How did you hear that?
PHOEBE
I have children who don’t like to apologize.
ALEX
What?
PHOEBE
They mumble whenever they get in trouble.
ALEX
(sighs)
I lost the whole budget.
In the demo.
In the demo you can play blackjack with the AI Robot thing.
But I couldn’t find the guy running them demo
to see if he had like
fake tokens or whatever.
So, I used the money.
PHOEBE
And you lost it.
ALEX
Very quickly.
I don’t know why that AI Robot is so good at blackjack.
PHOEBE
Because the whole of the internet trained it.
ALEX
Ohhhh. Sure.
PHOEBE
So we don’t have any money to address this
Greek mythology monstrosity?
ALEX
Not right now.
(Silence. They both look straight forward at the fountain again.)
PHOEBE
Okay, so, maybe it’s not so bad.
There is still the fire.
ALEX
The fire is so cool.
PHOEBE
SO cool.
ALEX
…you wanna watch it again?
PHOEBE
Yes.
Yes, I do.
(PHOEBE exits, presumably to restart the attraction.)
Maybe they could just add a wandering minstrel? I feel like that would be a good update.
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