Sort of Regular Days in Very Irregular Times
Snapshot of a week
Hi there. Some quick business before we get started. My friend Allison lost her Mom recently and is looking for a bit of support in the aftermath. So, she’s set up a GoFundMe. If you have the call and the means to support in any way (financially, sharing stuff, subscribing to her newsletter [she’s a great writer], checking out her incredible art), it would be much appreciated. As always, thank you.
By last Thursday, I knew I wouldn’t be writing the newsletter for Sunday.
This aftermath is a cacophony of noise and sometimes another voice is not needed. And there are smarter people than me who are talking about everything, particularly about reasons why they might (or might not) be writing at the moment. I’d say, “you can probably guess why” but I don’t think you need to guess. You know.
There’s something about how mundane a lot of things feel. To go outside, to go to the grocery store or to work. To have meetings and happy hours. To have tasks, assignments, errands to do. It’s all still happening.
That’s the newsletter for this week—to talk about what’s happening. The daily and the mundane. From last Sunday until now.
SUNDAY 11/10/24
Before I’m even fully awake, I decide this is a day for nothing. This is a day to sit (or lay) in the most comfortable place in my apartment: my bed. My bed sees me way too often but my couch feels like it’s made out of plywood so here we are again.
Doing nothing goes well for a while. Until it’s accompanied by that little voice that keeps saying, “I really should do something with my life.” But I don't. Every time I sit up a little bit, I lay back down. It occurs to me I’ve been relatively busy since Wednesday and I haven’t really just sat yet. Making up for lost time, I guess. Lost time that is too much time to think.
It’s cross-country movie night with the bestie—you know, start a movie at the same time, chat the whole way through. We pick Wreck-It Ralph, which we start around 8p and finish around 1015p. And it’s about that time that I get motivated to get a thing done. Yes, 1030p. It’s something I could do in parts but, once I start something, I tend to want to finish it in one sitting. I finish that around 1230a, later than I would like.
My sleep is awful after that. First, as I get fully into bed, an anxiety attack joins me and then insists on overstaying its welcome. Simultaneously, there’s a loud shout/angry sound outside which further elevates the heart rate. It’s hard to fight the anxiety that accompanies a disruptive sound as I have a neighbor with the worst boyfriend and he has been known to terrorize, well, her and, subsequently, everyone in the building at any time of the day or night. I eventually get to sleep. Kind-of.
MONDAY 11/11/24
I “wake up” and am annoyed I didn’t sleep well because I have an eye exam today. Which I will now be going to with tired vision and bags under my eyes that are big enough that even Mary Poppins would run out of stuff to fill them with.
The morning is leisurely. I read through the ungodly number of newsletters I subscribe to. I eat breakfast. I put on YouTube for background noise. I fill out my physical planner. I also spend a little time gathering all my things for my eye appointment. I’d hate to be unprepared. Then, I set out.
It’s a new eye doctor that’s about a half-hour walk away, a nice little walk on another unseasonably warm day. I put on the Spotify Funk & Soul Classics playlist. It’s one that gives me a bit of a lift, one that makes me feel jaunty. When I arrive, I’m early enough to have time to fill out my paperwork and get the rundown on what I owe out-of-pocket. The thing is, I always forget that a contact lens fitting is usually not covered by insurance; it still surprises me every time. It’s an expense I didn’t expect today but one I need to pay. So I can see.
The appointment is quick. The doctor is nice and efficient. The whole staff is very kind. You can tell it’s a real neighborhood kind of joint. I get the low-down on the rest of the money things (how much contacts will cost) and realize that it’s going to be way smarter to order them through the eye doctor instead of 1-800 Contacts. Like $500 cheaper. I like cheaper.
My Mom and I have been texting on-and-off for a bit so when she sends the text, “What are you up to?” I give her a call. I’m not usually someone who loves to talk on the phone in public but it’s a walk through a sleepy neighborhood on a holiday Monday. We haven’t caught up on the phone in a bit (we text a lot) and it’s a nice chat.
Afterwards, I pop into H Mart because they have the best snacks. I think I deserve a medal; I spend less than $25. And now I have snacks! Also, around a pound of fresh ginger cost less than $2. LESS. THAN. $2. DOLLARS.
The rest of the evening is pretty similar to any other. Late dinner, phone games, Kids Baking Championship on in the background.
There’s dishes to be done. But first, more dishes to be made. I’ve been working my way through leftover dark chocolate italian meringue frosting from when I made a cake for my best friend’s visit and I’ve finally decided what to do with the rest of it. I make cracker sandwiches with butter crackers—vaguely reminiscent of Sky Flakes, a snack/cookie I was introduced by good friends long ago. They are delicious. Sky Flakes and what I made. DELICIOUS, I SAY.
TUESDAY 11/12/24
Sleep is a bit better? Maybe? Unfortunately, I have things to do today so I’ll have to go about them in a sleepy state. A couple days a week, I pack jewelry for a small online business and I’m supposed to be there at 11a but when I open my phone to check if that time is still good, she tells me she’s sick and asked to reschedule for tomorrow. “Not a problem” I say and then sit staring into the void for a bit, thinking about what to do with this unexpected morning.
The routine starts out like any other day—reading newsletters. And then I decide it’s a great day for a bigger breakfast (at 1130a so…brunch). I also make ginger simple syrup to have on hand.
After all that, I sit at my desk. First I work on stuff for Tiny Scripted, the new(ish) short form content distribution company I work with. (We’re cool! Check us out! And maybe, watch some of the videos on our YouTube channel? KThnx.) I focus on a task that had been on my to-do list and then fell off my to-do list (read: I completely forgot about it). It’s a bit tedious but good to have it done.
After a brief existential break—I ponder how, even as I get all my work done, when in charge of my own work and schedule, I still constantly feel like I’m not doing enough because it’s not a traditional schedule and amount of hours—I sit back down to work on my own business. I send a few emails, do some payment system exploration, and eventually put on a documentary in the name of creativity resource gathering. Today, I watch Join or Die which is a documentary about how important civic engagement and community clubs and associations are to democracy. It was a good but, at times, hard watch considering *gestures vaguely around*. I recommend it? Depending on your mood, I recommend it. Ultimately, it’s a really good reminder for this introvert that she could use a bit more community in her life and she could put myself out there some more. I guess.
I sit in the living room a bit this evening! Well, actually, I’m out here to make banana muffins but, while they’re baking, I do sit on the couch. Look at me! The muffins smell so good, I consider forgoing any dinner and just eating muffins. In the end, I eat a box of spiral mac n’ cheese which is, actually, probably less healthy than the muffins. Don’t worry, I still ate a muffin.
As if you were worried.
WEDNESDAY 11/13/24
Sleep is not great. It’s old news at this point.
Jewelry packing is on today. We agree to an 1130a start time. The person I pack jewelry for is leaving for some travel on Friday and when I arrive, it becomes clear that there’s lots to do. In fact, more to do than I was expecting. On an average day, I pack for 90 minutes, maybe two hours. Today, I end up being there for four hours. I’m glad it’s all done but it does also throw a wrench in the rest of my plans for the day, mostly because, by the time I leave her apartment to drop off the packages at the mail place, I. am. dragging.
Before I head to the subway, I stop at Target which is too directly on my way home for my own good. It’s a mini-Target even, just a fraction of a regular sized one but somehow its pull is unavoidable. I usually end up there at least once a week, sometimes twice which is silly because the point of packing jewelry is to make some money. And yet, on my jewelry outings…the opposite tends to happen. It’s necessities today, nothing super interesting. But I do still get myself a little treat or two. I’m a millennial. We require little treats!
When I finally drag myself to the subway station, I manage to hit the train perfectly. It’s a quick trip, only a couple of stops. Finally, I get to the point where my apartment building is in sight. It feels like I’ve been gone for a million years. As I cross the street, someone tells me they like my jacket. I say thank you. Then they say they like anything green and I agree. Now, on any other day, the interaction might have ended there. But then they say, “Are you an earth sign like me?”
“I’m a water sign.”
“Can I ask which one?”
“Pisces.”
“Oh, I love you guys. You’re dependable. Your family means a lot to you. You like to try new things and get other people to try new things.”
Is there a word for a nice version of “read for filth”? Because I feel like they did that. Usually, I would recoil from an interaction like this but today it felt like a very genuine. And then I feel bad because I’m not particularly reciprocal; I really just want to get home. I say, “That’s so nice to hear,” wave a little and walked away. I hear them say after me, “I’m sorry. I hope that wasn’t annoying.” And I say, “No, I loved that.” And I mean it. But also, my social battery is fully drained.
I get home, put away my groceries, and get ready to be fully horizontal…until I remember I need to call the eye doctor. I do it, which is saying something because I hate being on the phone. It’s quick, I order my contacts, and hang up feeling accomplished. They were so nice again. It’s funny that the two things that have made me feel very connected in the last few days are the eye doctor and a stranger on the street. Sometimes, it comes from places you’d never think to look.
Horizontal. I finally make it to horizontal. The rest of the evening is really just that with the exception of a Create + Engage workshop which focuses on connection and how we continue with art practices moving forward. Anna Brones, one of the facilitators, has a great newsletter about creativity if that’s your jam. I almost don’t hop into the workshop but in the end, I’m happy I do.
THURSDAY, 11/14/24
I have plenty of things I could do today, certainly, but I decide to take down Halloween first. When I decorate for spooky season, I often think I’ll leave everything up until I decorate for the holidays. You know, take one down as you put one up. But by part of the way through November, the decorations just don’t make me happy anymore. I need a couple of weeks of “normalcy” before the next round of holidays. Plus, it’s easier to clean with less tchotchkes all over every single surface. …Less. Because my standard is already quite a few. And, actually, a decent amount of them are spooky things that stay out all year long.
After wrestling the decor into their storage boxes, I get some other stuff done. Then, I start to feel weird. Strange. I realize, at some point, I went into an anxiety attack. I’m not sure when it starts but, by the afternoon, I’m very aware that it has been happening for awhile. I decide to put on a movie and journal. After movie night last week, I continue the fun with Ralph Breaks the Internet.
Journaling helps? Or maybe it doesn’t? I don’t know. But right around the time the movie finishes, I close my journal so, regardless, I’m done for now. Effects TBD at a later date.
This is also about the time that I realize if I use everything I’ve already written about my week, this newsletter will be a novella. Good thing? Bad thing? Again, I don’t know. We’ll see how well I edit it down.1
FRIDAY, 11/15/24
I wake up not feeling very well…again. Seems that’s par for the course these days. The weather swings so wildly that my sinuses can’t really keep up. In the morning, it’s always the question of “Okay, is this weather sinuses? Or sick sinuses?” Today, it feels just generally sinus-y with a side of tiredness so my mantra is, “Just make it until 2p and then be horizontal.” Yes, horizontal is a theme in my life right now.
Friday is a regular pack jewelry day so I do that right away. I need to be back at my apartment by 1p for a meeting and, well…I want to stop at Target again. On my way, I’m crossing my fingers that there aren’t too many orders to handle and…there aren’t! The timing works out great actually—an hour 15 packing orders which left me with a good 45 minutes to get through mini-Target and make it home.
My 1p meeting is to set copy and answer a few questions about my upcoming website relaunch. Since there isn’t much to do, we successfully get it done in just 30 minutes. It’s exciting. I currently have a live website but it just concerns my writing. It’ll be nice to have something to point to for Creative Consulting so it can be a business in the world and not just some ethereal words I’ve been throwing around. (Ethereal?) But that also means, the reality of the whole thing is coming on quick so that’s something else to, existentially, contend with.
Then I do, I really do just be horizontal again. For the rest of the day. At 10p, I hop on a family zoom with people from both sides of the family and that’s just as chaotic as it sounds. I keep my mic off and just let the chatter fill the atmosphere around me. At some point, my Mom texts to ask if I’m okay which…I hate. It’s 10p! I’m tired! We don’t also need my voice in the cacophony! Then, I sign off and my Brother also asks if I’m okay. I’M SORRY I WASN’T WEARING THE CORRECT BRA TO BE TOO EXPRESSIVE.
Also, I was in the middle of writing a poem when I popped into the Zoom and there’s no way I could have said that in this meeting. Now, I know most of you don’t know any of my extended family but LOL, can you imagine?! I’d be run right out of this Wild West outpost by the sheriff, the outlaws, and the townspeople all at the same time. And look, I’m not embarrassed about the angsty poet part of my writing life. I’ve been an angsty poet since I was like seven years old. But I do know, if I were to say, “No, I’m just distracted. I’m working on a poem.” aloud at this particular moment, I would absolutely be embarrassed.
SATURDAY, 11/16/24
Honestly, I do almost literally nothing. I wake up feeling not great again, and maybe a little bit worse than yesterday. I don’t think I’m sick by any means. It’s probably that the fumes I’ve been running on have now…run out. …which also seems funny considering how much I’ve been horizontal.
There isn’t a lot of movement to my day. At some point, late in the afternoon, I get bored. Being bored isn’t necessarily a bad thing for me except that it often creates the “I should do something with my life” echo that has already intruded in my consciousness at least once this week. It’s still reverberating, I guess.
I’m slowed down by a bit of melancholy too I think.
Okay, I do like one thing. Over the last year, I have been taking mailers and magazines and cutting out pictures and words and saving them as collage supplies. I currently have a backlog of New Yorker magazines so I decide it’s a good time to snip snip a little while I watch a movie.
Considering I’ve already been in my bed all day, I go to sleep much later than I should.
SUNDAY, 11/17/24
That brings us to today. There’s nothing much to report beyond catching up on new episodes of Bob’s Burgers and The Great North while berating myself for not watching my spending a bit better at Michaels.
So, this is where I leave you. After another sort of regular day. In a very irregular times.
Some choices are made for us.
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I edited it down a little so…I did a good job? Well, okay, I did a job.