My plans for the year went on a smoke break last October.

(Re)finding the threads

It’s basically the end of June.

[Insert throw-away lines about time being meaningless or a flat circle here. Or, if you’d rather, insert annoyed look because everyone always seems to be talking about how fast time goes or whatever.]

But the fact is, even with whatever thing you inserted there, it’s nearly the end of June. A full halfway through the year. And, I realized only recently, ten months into my NYC decade-aversary.

Yeah, remember that? 

Oh, and remember this? Which was announced around the same time. (Lofty!)

It’s okay if you don’t remember either of those things. Honestly, my NYC decade-aversary has been on a smoke break in the back of my head since October. And don’t even get me started on the Queer Renaissance. I think they only popped their head in the door for a minute anyway. All I know is they haven’t been picking up my calls. (The calls are coming from inside the house.)

In conclusion, those threads were lost somewhere along the way. 

Thank you for reading. Have a good night. 

You (I’m guessing): W O W, she’s got a lot of jokes tonight.
Me: Humor is a coping mechanism OKAY???
My therapist (I’m guessing): Not always. Sometimes it’s just straight avoidance. 

No, please don’t go. Let’s talk about these threads. 

When August rolled around last year and I both announced and embarked on my NYC decade-aversary, I knew it was going to be a big ask of myself. I had been laid off in May so, at that point, I had already been unemployed three(ish) months. In that time, there had also been a funeral and a wedding and a very badly bruised tailbone. The last year has had a lot of emotional turmoil. Some years are like that. Not pleasant but true. And was certainly true when I made both announcements of my new era. (Tour coming soon.)

Despite all of that, the real issue was the financial aspect of what I was planning for the year of celebration of being in a place that really feels like my home for ten years. Sure, certainly there are things you can do for free. I do have a Met membership, after all. And I got it as a gift, so…truly free! But even to do that, there is a cost. At minimum, it’s subway fare. The financial aspect is partially on me, I can admit. Many New York things I wanted (still want to) to experience—fancy restaurants, ubiquitous Broadway shows I have yet to see, classic tourist spots, etc.—come with a price tag attached. Oh, and of course, there’s the NYC tattoo I want which would likely cost three or four fancy dinners combined. Basically, I made it to the Museum of Natural History on a nostalgia trip and haven’t done much else of note for the NYC decade-aversary since. 

Scared of Space & Sitting in a Planetarium

Then there is the Queer Renaissance. *sigh* It really was going to be a new era. (No, sorry. Tickets are not on sale yet.) “Queer Renaissance” was really a roadmap in which to get myself out and about a bit more, something to direct me to meeting new people. I have incredible friends (chosen family) in my life. My biological family is really pretty good too. But, I have become painfully aware that what would be a good addition to my life is simply having a group of (queer) people to hang out with in person, a group that would give a specific and directed little bit of purpose to really emerging back into the world after(ish)/at the end(ish) of the whole thing. Ten months from that announcement, I would say I have done even less than I did with NYC decade-aversary.

I announced both of these things…goals, I guess…for my life at around the same time because they are inexplicably connected in my mind. Both are a framework for which to explore new facets of myself and the place that I live. Both are guidelines for my hopes of living a more expansive life. Yes, the guidelines are a little bit wibbly wobbly but, from what I know about myself at this point, having some sort of container is a good place for me to start.

The thing is, I also know that I’m sometimes prone to just, quietly, stop doing things. Sometimes, I just let things fade away. Or I wait too long to answer that email. Or put off easy things because they feel hard and then are easy and why did I wait so long to do them??

When thinking about NYC decade-aversary and Queer Renaissance, I thought I might do the same thing with them. Not not do them per se. Just never bring them up in the newsletter again…even though the reason I announced them here in the first place was to keep me accountable to something/someone(s). It has seemed a lot easier to almost pretend that those announcements were never made. Who even said them? That must have been someone else because it certainly wasn’t me. 

Unfortunately, I don’t think letting myself off-the-hook from those things is actually a good idea. Honestly, I never really wanted to let myself off-the-hook. It is simply easier to not talk about stuff sometimes because then you don’t have to talk about it. Not being able to really live in and explore these self-imposed containers was disappointing and also felt like a lot to explain. I’m not saying that this newsletter wasn’t still sad and existential a lot of the time. (Thank you to everyone who keeps reading.) I’m saying, mostly, that there is always more happening behind the scenes. The depression and anxiety and financial stress and shear insecurity around my general purpose in this *gestures vaguely around* was, a lot of the time, too big to talk about in this scheduled and formalized environment I set up for myself. 

And look, talking about mental health is super important and I think we need to continue to do that. And also, sometimes you don’t want to talk about it. You want to let someone else lead the conversation for a while.

Then there is the fact that I have been off almost all social media since the end of last September. I logged off for a very specific reason which was a good idea for me. After that, I level-upped my news reading and research game and knew that staying away would be better for my mental health (shh I know what I said in the last paragraph). But that also means, I have not done any promotion of the newsletter in a long time. Beyond LinkedIn anyway but that’s because when you’re on the job hunt you have to LinkedIn. With very few new subscribers to the newsletter, I didn’t feel the need to even sit inside my frameworks. In fact, I’ve lost a few subscribers so I thought, “Hey NYC decade-aversary. Wait up! I’ll join you on that smoke break.”

Totally unrelated but, you know, you can share the newsletter at any time. 

The other reason I didn’t want to give myself a pass on this is you all. Well, and me too. In a different way.

I think it’s important to talk about failure and roadblocks. You usually learn more from other people’s failures than your own or, even, your own successes. While I don’t consider not being able to keep up with and advance my lofty plans a failure, pretending that they just never existed would feel like a failure. I hope that some of my insights are helpful to others in some way. I hope they make someone laugh. Or feel less alone. I know, I know. SO cliché. Deal with it. I’m a sentimentalist after all.

In terms of myself…well, I don’t want to give up on myself. Especially in these realms. Letting them disappear into the background would feel like exactly that. I have let things go before. Or missed opportunities because I was scared or it didn’t feel right. NYC decade-aversary and Queer Renaissance are both opportunities I created for myself so that I could approach them with the confidence of curiosity and create environments where it would feel right. They are big ideas, sure. Big ideas are made up of a lot of small activities and discoveries along the way. 

Also, time is a flat circle and neither of these things have time limits on them. (Look at me! Brought it all the way back to the beginning.) I can celebrate a decade in New York for a whole additional decade if I want. It truly doesn’t matter. I’m in charge here. And there are no time limits on more deeply exploring and discovering who you are. Or expanding your community. Or trying completely new things.

Sometime in the last few months, the fog that consumed me lifted a little bit. There is a bit of a renaissance going on I think. I’m pursuing some new goals and also making room to truly work on old goals. There’s a little less anger about what the whole of my last year looked like. Really, what the whole of my last seven years has looked like. I’m starting to be able to parse out everything I wanted to learn and everything I was forced to, unfortunately, learn. Isn’t that the rub of it all? Sometimes you don’t want to learn things! Especially not in the manner the universe decides to teach them to you! Ehhhh. Well, I learned them regardless. And I’m starting to be thankful for them. I’m starting to understand how to apply those lessons to now and to the future. 

There’s still a wisp of that fog, here and there. Of that I am certain there will always be. But, when it’s not so big, I live with that companion a bit easier. 

What I learned over the years from this companion, this fog, whether it’s big or small, is that you are always still growing and changing—whether the skies are clear or not.      

P.S. If anyone around NYC is doing something fun for Pride next weekend, let me know? Who knows? I might just actually go outside.    

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Uh…not related to the above P.S.? Probably…

I am continuing on with the subscription donation project. For June and July, the organization is Southern Fried Queer Pride. If you are new here (welcome!) or need a refresher, you can always find more details on the project on my About page.

Paid subscribers help fund my writing life. SO, I have also decided to extend the paid subscription discount offer! Paid subscriptions are 10% off for the whole next year as a celebration for NYC Decade-aversary. If you want to upgrade, between now and August is a great time. Or, if a one time support is more your thing, my venmo is @samjeancoop.

It’s also also always a great time to share the newsletter.