Scared of Space & Sitting in a Planetarium
A NYC decade-aversary Activity
I read the books I buy, I swear!
I am continuing on with the subscription donation project. For September, I am continuing on with the Entertainment Community Fund for the organization. It’s a fund that supports workers in the entertainment industry, including those who are affected by the current strikes. And, as we know, the studios are ensuring the strikes keep going.
If you are new here (welcome!) or need a refresher, you can always find more details of the project on my About page. The About page was recently updated so it is so fresh and so clean clean. Also, if you want to be a matching donor, let me know.
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Everyone is louder in Midtown.
I’m not talking about tourists shouting at each other in Times Square trying to decide which chain restaurant they should go to. I’m talking about those existing in suits, walking through the less busy part of the grid. Those emerging from the tall skyscrapers to have calls on the street, for some reason. Those who post up at coffee shops and cycle through meetings, a new person showing up before the other is done. They are loud because they want you to know that they are here for BUSINESS and they have IDEAS and POWER.
And it was in this atmosphere, I started my Friday morning sitting in Blue Stone Lane Coffee off Bryant Park thinking to myself, “Oh, stop yelling. I want to enjoy my breakfast burrito in peace.”
Mondays, as I fill out my physical planner (analog, I know), always have grand plans for the week. There are a lot of activities that cross my mind, particularly for Fridays. It’s part of my routine to take a break from the job searching on Fridays. Instead, I have therapy in the morning which presents the perfect opportunity to do an activity afterwards. I’m already outside after all. It just makes good sense to plan something for a Friday. Come Thursday, however, I almost always add a caveat to any plan. “If I have the energy.” “If I can find the motivation.” The weather usually giveth or taketh away that energy and motivation.
This Friday, the weather was pretty nice and I had found the energy so it seemed like a perfect day for an NYC decade-aversary activity. Also, my therapist had said in that morning’s session, “It sounds like you actually want to live inside your life” which…excuse me, ma’am. I pay you to laugh at my jokes and find me very interesting. I did not come here for such a reading. But, I’d be lying if I didn’t say it gave me a little extra boost of motivation. Inexplicably.
A month ago, when it was the exact date of my official NYC decade-aversary, I had planned to go to the American Museum of Natural History. I visited the museum on my first full day in the city and it felt like the natural (ha ha ha GET IT?!) activity to do nearly exactly a decade later. My body had other plans around then, being weird in ways I had not anticipated. I did not force myself into many activities then.
Now, exactly a month after that date, I decided to make the pilgrimage. And maybe get a library card too while I was at it. Because, for some reason, I don’t have one here? I tend to buy books because I like having them around but not having a library card still feels silly. I digress.
First, a train ride into Manhattan and then matcha and food.
After a wonderful compliment on my shirt from the barista, a pretty good breakfast burrito, and being an unwilling participant in no less than three business meetings, I figured it was time to get my ass in gear for the real activities of the day: the central branch of the New York Public Library and then the museum.
While I did stop into the library, I didn’t really accomplish the goal of getting a library card. I was distracted by the gift shop and the permanent exhibit of cool things(™) and didn’t actually spend much time there. So, I’m not counting it. I have to go back to explore more. We’ll circle back at a later date.
Moving on.
When I got down into the subway, I walked right onto a train. A train, I thought, that would take me exactly where I needed to go. I was incorrect. But I realized I was incorrect before I went too many stops so I was able to get off the train and get on the next one right behind it. A decade in, constantly looking at Google Maps, and still an uninformed auto-pilot will take over sometimes. Go figure.
Required timed entry tickets are still (kind-of) required for the American Museum of Natural History—a pandemic policy that I honestly don’t mind has held on. I am a bit of a curmudgeon when it comes to buying things mobile-y, but I was thankful that was an option when I was outside the museum sans tickets. I purchased them, added a couple of extra exhibits, and waited ten minutes on the steps for my entry time.
Ten years ago, I sat in the same spot after I had already been in the museum. Even when you do it on purpose, a move like this creates a certain amount of deja vu. In 2013, I took a selfie as a couple kissed in the background. As I recreated the photo now in 2023, there were, again, a couple of people in the background. Not kissing, sadly, but so much was the same I felt a little flutter.
The last time I was at this particular museum was not ten years ago, actually. It was six years ago. I was motivated by basically the same thing I am now. It was August 22, 2017, a day that offered an automatic reason to go and revisit one of my first adventures in New York City.
When I got to the museum on that day in 2017, the first thing I did was go to the dimly lit African Mammals room and sit under the herd of elephants and cry. Everything that led up to my arrival at the museum was a struggle. I was nine months into that first long-term unemployment so my mental health was not exactly in a prime spot for the full day I had.
First, I had an interview. Finally, an interview. Those were so few and far between that I staked my whole life on every single one. When I have something like an interview to do, my preference is to be like 20 minutes early and just wander around the block until it is time to go in. So, I left my apartment with plenty of time for this routine. Because of a series of train issues and an eventual ride in a Lyft (which I, obviously, could not afford), I was at least 20 minutes late to the interview. I was deflated. I was absolutely sure I would not get this job and my unemployment would continue to wreak havoc on my finances, personal relationships, and mental health. I was certain I was fully unemployable. Convinced I deserved not one single, solitary moment of joy, I was ready to abandon, all ye who enter here, my plans for the day. But I decided to forge ahead anyway. On to the next, as they say.
(Side note: I did end up getting that job. So. That was lucky.)
Places hold memories. So, despite being happy I made it to the museum on that day in 2017, the tearful ghost of my former self still lingered in the dimly lit African Mammals room. As I teared up a little below the herd of elephants, I realized she was present on Friday too. It was almost a comfort, though. I may, once again, be unemployed and visiting the museum on an anniversary, but things change. They can change. They will change.
My day at the museum was perfectly pleasant. I was really happy that I added extra exhibits to my time there. I don’t often pay to do that, because I usually don’t think to do that. But I found that it added a nice structure to my day. A little bit more direction. Being places at certain times helped me figure out what I actually wanted to look at.
Invisible Worlds was the first extra exhibit. It’s an immersive experience about how all living things on earth are connected in some way. I was taken with it much more than I thought I would be. It’s amazing what artists and scientists have figured out to do with touchscreens, video, light, and surround sound. Sometimes it is so wonderful to feel so small in nature and in technology.
Worlds Beyond Earth, the planetarium show, was my second extra exhibit. I think it is a pretty well-documented fact that I think SPACE IS SCARY and existentially, it is something I cannot comprehend. I do not like space movies. I do not like astronaut movies. Every time Apollo 13 used to come on the tv at my parents’ house, I would leave the room. So, why I chose a space show to be an extra exhibit is beyond me. But I actually had a nice time. It was 25 minutes to sit down, for one thing. It was narrated by Lupita Nyong'o for a second thing. It was a good reminder that I don’t need to know everything, I don’t want to know everything, and there are some really smart people in this world who want to learn things I don’t want to learn about.
To be honest, natural history museums are not usually my go-to. They don’t tend to spark my imagination and interest as much as art museums do. But this time felt different. There is so much stuff that living beings have been doing and making for literal centuries. So much of what we know and what we do, how we operate in the world, was sparked in times so long ago they feel like they exist before history. I caught myself really swimming in awe and being really thankful that I slowed down enough to appreciate where I was.
On my walk to the train, I started to think about why this time at the museum felt different and why I was taken over with such awe. Any good train lines to get me home are a good half hour stroll from that part of the Upper West Side so, as I made my way through Central Park, I had a good amount of time to ponder. The conclusion I came to was: it is because so many of my friends have young children.
Yes, it’s a weird realization but it makes all the sense in the world to me. Unfortunately, I live quite a ways from being able to spend time with many of my friends and their kids. But, I am lucky enough to get updates through Instagram and check-ins from a lot of them. Oh, and there is one adorable child I do get to see more regularly. Kids are part of the growing up thing, a factor in the way our relationships expand and change. I’m a “no babies no thank-you” sort of person, having children of my own is not something I want. But I am infinitely happy for the way my friends are expanding their families and that I get to be a witness to that.
It’s funny, there is so much discourse about the ways in which people with children and people without children fundamentally do or do not get along. Conversations about how destructive the way people’s lives diverge can be to these core friendships. It’s another binary that is not, actually, a binary. Plenty of people have written about how and why it is not a binary so I won’t go on too long of a tangent. What I will say is that the relationships in my life that have changed in the most heart-wrenching and painful ways were not because I’m single and don’t have kids and many of my friends are partnered and/or have kids. Those relationships changed because those people were not interested in growing with me or growing together, not interested in acknowledging that change in friendship is normal and doesn’t negate the past versions of you or the relationship. Often, they change because we’ve been taught that there is a hierarchy to relationships in your life, and friendships are the first relationships that are supposed to slip in your hierarchy. We are not taught that various relationships will fill various needs in your life. It doesn’t seem acceptable to have multiple people who are priorities for you. These things can be, are, malleable. We are taught these things are rigid. And the thing about kids is, they teach you all sorts of new things.
Kids are magic. They are learning everything for the first time. It’s wild and weird and squishy and hard and mushy. There is wonder there because there is everything to wonder about. It’s all new. Seeing a kid exploring the world is exciting. It shows you just how much there is still to discover. It shows you that there are always different ways to look at things. Even if you don’t see any children on a regular basis, knowing there are beings out there on so many adventures for the first time, is inspiring. And knowing that there are magical people out there shepherding them through all this learning is also inspiring. Well, at least it is for me. I have to fight really hard not to be pragmatic to a fault. I try to keep myself out of cynical territory as much as possible. It’s not always possible; I don’t always win. But sometimes, taking a moment to really look around and find something to wonder about, to have awe about, does the trick.
Plus, kids are fun. They have the best toys.
And no, I did not (not) buy myself a very soft, plush sloth stuffed animal from the gift shop that I am trying to think of a name for at this very moment.
Not (not).
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