I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Meeeeeee
The Week in Selfies: 4/5/21 - 4/11/21
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As someone who doesn’t particularly care for mirrors or to be watched, I seem to spend a lot of time with my reflection.
A couple of weeks ago, I was in a bar in Hell’s Kitchen and in the women’s bathroom, the mirror was hung on the wall directly in front of the toilet. Unless I wanted to pee sitting backwards, there was no escaping this mirror. It was just me and the reflection of a very intimate moment.
On any Zoom/Teams/Google video, being able to see your reflection is the default. If you want to disengage from yourself, you have to actively choose to turn that portion of video off. If you want to visually disengage from everyone else, you also have to actively make that choice. You don’t get to enter the chat as just you. It’s you and you. The parallel yous. The one that everyone else sees and the one that you see.
I know you can very easily turn the video feed of yourself off. And I have never done it. If I know there is a visual version of myself that other people can see, then I also want to see it.
This is largely the reason why I prefer to go to therapy in person. To have it, virtually, in the height of the pandemic, was a lifeline. I wouldn’t have given it up for anything. But the moment there was an option to go back in person, I took it. I will always perform for a screen, even just a little bit. In a situation where vulnerability is often key, a virtual session is one layer removed from that. Watching my own reflection is another one. I am paying too much money to be at least two layers removed from the person I am handling now and the person I am trying to become.
Where the hell do you look when you are getting your haircut? In this situation a mirror is, obviously, much more necessary than directly in front of the toilet of a dingy bar bathroom in Midtown Manhattan. And the mirror tends to be bigger. I find that I always stare as hard as I can into my own eyes in the mirror. I will look up at the hair stylist if they are talking (dear god, I hope they are talking) but mostly, I try to burn a hole into my own retinas and hold my head in a way that keeps the amount of chins to a minimum.
Yesterday, I got my ears (re)pierced. I had them pierced when I was far too young by a haphazard Clarie’s earring gun and they had closed up in the last couple of years. I sat in what looked like a sparkly dentist’s chair and was confronted, once again, with a full length mirror directly in front of me. Much like a haircut, a visual is necessary for this sort of body modification but unlike a haircut, there is a possibility of real physical pain in this situation.
My piercing artist (is…that…what they are called?) was very nice and explained the whole process and all the tools she had thoroughly. To be honest, I was only half listening. It was just my lobes being pierced and I knew it would be pretty easy. Instead, I was staring at myself in the mirror, trying to gauge what I would look like if there was physical pain to react to.
One thing I know about myself is I’m pretty good in this sort of situation. Blood being drawn, tattoos, piercings, all things I know I can handle relatively gracefully. When I got the tattoo on my chest, I laid down in the chair and the tattoo artist hovered over me with the ink gun. He asked me if I was ready and I nodded yes; I think he expected me to react when he actually made contact with my skin. I didn’t flinch at all. He then asked me if I had other tattoos and I just smiled.
This ear piercing was no different. I breathed in as instructed. I breathed out as instructed. And the needle went through without much issue. Even though I knew it would be easy, I found myself trying to steel my nerves for the girl in the mirror staring back at me. I was showing her how to be strong and unflappable. I was showing her, I guess, how to make someone’s job easier. The piercing artist kept asking me how I was doing and if I was doing okay. I kept saying, “Oh yeah” and “Fine” without much thought. The person in the mirror kept nodding.
Honestly, she asked me how I was doing with more genuine interest than any doctor I’ve ever encountered. And in a doctor’s office, at least in my experience, it is so much more rare to be fully faced towards the mirror in the room. In a place where a mirror would be helpful, to remember who you are and what you need and what you want and to hold yourself accountable in remembering what you deserve, you can rarely access that person who would nod back at you.
I had planned to write something else entirely tonight. But the picture that goes with that something, it turns out, is in weeks from now. Then, I thought about getting my ears pierced and how it made me feel like I should have gotten permission. You know, the whole “never feeling like an adult” thing. But I have already written about that at least twice (here and here) apparently sooooooooo…we ended up here.
But we probably would have ended up here at some point anyway. Because once you’ve watched yourself on the toilet in a dingy bar bathroom where the door is right up against a bunch of tables, it’s hard to get that picture out of your head. No matter how many other mirrors you look in.
Monday, April 5, 2021
I guess someone is seriously watching me.
Tuesday, April 6, 2021
What happens when you say my name.
Wednesday, April 7, 2021
The instagram filter strikes again.
Thursday, April 8, 2021
Spring cleaningggggg.
Friday, April 9, 2021
New jacket (which I never really wore and got rid of pretty quickly).
Saturday, April 10, 2021
Nice friends sending me nice things!
Sunday, April 11, 2021
One shot down. More on that stuff later.
This week, paying subscribers got more terrifying photos, these ones were of the Easter Bunny. If that sounds intriguing to you, consider becoming a paid subscriber.
Dude I have confronted a mirror facing a toilet before too and it is very alarming and fascinating. Each friend who went to the bathroom had a different reaction, and I think the funniest one was trying to avoid “eye contact”. Thanks for helping me reflect on mirror moments this week!
Bathroom/toilet mirror is peak terrible design choice