Thank you for calling the Bureau of Next Steps.
How it feels when it's possible you're hurtling towards something big.
(Phone ring. Phone ring. Phone ring. Click.)
OPERATOR
Thank you for calling the Bureau of Next Steps. How may I direct your call?
SAMANTHA
Oh. Um.
That is a good question.
What are the options?
OPERATOR
All of them.
SAMANTHA
All of them?
OPERATOR
Say something related to next steps and I will transfer you.
SAMANTHA
For anything?
OPERATOR
Try me.
SAMANTHA
Okay.
The…next move in Monopoly.
OPERATOR
Yep, we have a department for that.
SAMANTHA
I lost my recipe for banana bread, what do I do after I add the eggs?
OPERATOR
There is a department for that.
SAMANTHA
All copies of Schoolhouse Rock’s I’m Just a Bill have disappeared from earth.
What are the steps to
uh
make a bill?
OPERATOR
We have Congress for that.
SAMANTHA
Oh, well. Sure. That makes
OPERATOR
I’m just kidding. They don’t get anything done.
But, yes, we do have a department for what the steps
should be.
SAMANTHA
Wow. So anything.
OPERATOR
We can help with the next steps for anything.
…
So. How may I direct your call?
SAMANTHA
I still don’t know.
OPERATOR
Well, why did you call?
SAMANTHA
I don’t know what my next steps should be.
OPERATOR
For what?
SAMANTHA
For anything. For my whole life.
OPERATOR
Oh, you need help with the existential next steps.
SAMANTHA
I guess so.
OPERATOR
One moment please.
(Click. Hold music.)
CHARLIE
You’ve reached the “What Do I Do with My Life” Department.
I’m Charlie. How can I help you?
SAMANTHA
Hi Charlie.
CHARLIE
Hello.
SAMANTHA
Hi.
CHARLIE
…who am I speaking to?
SAMANTHA
Samantha.
CHARLIE
Hi Samantha.
SAMANTHA
Hi.
CHARLIE
What next steps can I help you with?
SAMANTHA
I don’t know.
The next steps of…my life?
CHARLIE
Where do you want to start?
SAMANTHA
Let’s start the very beginning
a very good place to startttttttttttttttttttt
CHARLIE
…
SAMANTHA
…
We should start at the beginning.
CHARLIE
Great, just a few questions.
Do you already exist here on earth?
SAMANTHA
Uh, yes.
CHARLIE
So, not talking to a spirit.
(typing sounds)
Noted.
SAMANTHA
Do spirits call?
CHARLIE
I cannot disclose that information.
SAMANTHA
That would be pretty cool.
If you could talk to spirits.
CHARLIE
I’m not at liberty to say whether
I can
or ever have
talked to spirits.
SAMANTHA
Right. I get it.
Wink.
CHARLIE
Did you just say “wink”?
SAMANTHA
Well, you can’t see me so.
…
So, wink.
CHARLIE
…
Next question: how old are you?
SAMANTHA
37.
CHARLIE
Which of the following are you looking for next steps for:
Career
Personal Life
Fun
SAMANTHA
“Fun” is a category?
CHARLIE
A lot of people forget to have fun.
SAMANTHA
I guess so.
CHARLIE
So, which of the following are you looking for the next steps for:
Career
Personal Life
Fun
Pick one and we can narrow it down from there.
SAMANTHA
Those are really broad categories.
CHARLIE
The categories are broad for a reason.
“What do I do with my life” is a
big
existential question.
We find it easiest to start as big as the question
and narrow it down from there.
SAMANTHA
What if it’s all of them?
CHARLIE
That happens.
If that’s the case, pick one and we’ll go from there.
We can circle back around to the other two.
SAMANTHA
I don’t know where to start.
CHARLIE
Pick any of the three.
SAMANTHA
That’s too many choices.
CHARLIE
…it’s three.
SAMANTHA
I was hoping you’d tell me where to start.
CHARLIE
We can’t help you figure out the next steps
if we don’t know what we’re
trying to figure out the next steps
for.
SAMANTHA
I understand that. I get it.
But I don’t think I can pick.
My whole life
is an existential question.
CHARLIE
Well, if you don’t pick I can’t help you.
SAMANTHA
I know.
CHARLIE
You know.
SAMANTHA
I do.
CHARLIE
…
Can I ask you a question then?
SAMANTHA
Shoot.
CHARLIE
Why did you call
if you don’t know what you need
the next steps for?
SAMANTHA
I didn’t expect anyone to pick up.
CHARLIE
Then why did you call?
SAMANTHA
I’ve called before and no one picked up.
I mean, I never got this far.
CHARLIE
We’ve been short staffed lately.
More people needing next steps
than people to help with next steps.
SAMANTHA
I’m not surprised.
CHARLIE
No, it’s not surprising.
Considering…
SAMANTHA
Yes, considering.
…
Every time I’ve called before
I end up on hold for a long time.
CHARLIE
Sorry about that.
SAMANTHA
No, it’s kind of comforting.
I’m used to waiting.
CHARLIE
You know, I can help you move forward.
Stop waiting.
That’s why I’m here.
SAMANTHA
I know. That’s what I need.
CHARLIE
So, where do you want to start?
SAMANTHA
…
Will you put me on hold again?
CHARLIE
…
You know,
you don’t actually need me.
You do know what the next steps are.
SAMANTHA
I know.
Put me on hold, please?
CHARLIE
(sighs)
One moment.
SAMANTHA
Thank you.
(Click. Hold music.)
Hi. It’s Sunday. And maybe something else? Who knows. I hope you enjoyed this little change up of the format, this little play detour.
I am continuing on with the subscription donation project. For February and March, the organization is the MENA Arts Advocacy Coalition. If you are new here (welcome!) or need a refresher, you can always find more details on the project on my About page.
I have also decided to extend the paid subscription discount offer! Paid subscriptions are 10% off for the whole next year as a celebration for NYC Decade-aversary. If you want to upgrade, between now and August is a great time. Or, if a one time support is more your thing, my venmo is @samjeancoop. (That feels weird but I continue to be unemployed so.)
It’s also also always a great time to share the newsletter.
Oof. This hurts so good.