People Crying on the Internet
The Week in Selfies: 1/18/21 - 1/24/21
Or a not-so-secret third thing.
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I have a hard time watching people cry on the internet.
Not in movies or tv shows. Regular people on the internet.
It feels really intimate to me. Yes, I do realize that whoever has (likely) actively made the choice to post whatever it is on the internet but I still feel like I am intruding on someone’s private moment. I feel like I have knocked on a door and entered before hearing a “come in.” And then I just stand there, unsure of what to do.
Part of the reason it makes me feel awkward, I think, is because the caretaker in me wants to take over. I want to get this person into my living room, make or order them a meal, put on something nice to watch, and be with them. I don’t care if we talk non-stop or never say a word to each other, I just want to be there. I want someone to be there with them.
Of course, posting something like that on the internet is for connection. So many people can see it and offer encouragement or weigh in with their experiences. It can be a really good way to feel a little less alone for a moment.
But there is a level of separation too. There’s a screen in the way. An app to log in to. An internet connection to send this moment through. There is a chance that no one will see it. There is also a chance of horrific vitriol being sent your way. And sometimes, even worse, there is a chance that many people will see it and say nothing. There will be radio silence, a loud static, the fuzzy picture of a late night tv channel to wade through.
Posting a moment from life like that is at once the most brave and the most dangerous thing you can do. It’s a vulnerability that I admire and that I, personally, feel very distant from. And, to be honest, am pretty scared of.
It is unmistakable that I am crying in the picture from Wednesday, January 20, 2021. When I started this selfie project in March 2020 I wasn’t sure it was anything more than just something to keep me busy. But at some point I must have realized I would end up sharing the pictures in some form. By January 2021, I must have known that this picture of this moment would make it to the internet and I would become the thing that I have a hard time watching.
I don’t remember why I was crying that day. It probably had something to do with *gestures vaguely around* but it also could have been much more specific. It was nearing the end of January and I had made it through the holidays alone relatively okay. Then, almost like clockwork, on New Year’s Day, my mental health went into a nosedive. And I'm pretty sure the toll is going to start showing up in these selfies much more than it has in the past.
There was always going to come a point in this newsletter with this particular premise where it was going to be much easier to tell jokes, and funny stories, and make silly lists than recounting where I actually was mentally and emotionally over the course of these selfies. But it would also work in opposition of why I started this newsletter in the first place. It would be a lot less honest.
There will still be plenty of stories and musings and jokes, don’t worry. I couldn’t turn it off, if I tried. There will also be some hard, personal insights. Well, at least one.
That is, if I don’t chicken out. If I don’t chicken out of being someone who occasionally sheds a vulnerable tear on the internet.
If I don’t chicken out of sharing stuff that might make us all feel a little less alone.
Monday, January 18, 2021
On this day, I set up my apartment like a movie theatre. All curtains drawn, lots of movie snacks, no phone. On the schedule was Knives Out and Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom. It was actually really nice.
Tuesday, January 19, 2021
The late afternoon winter glow.
Wednesday, January 20, 2021
A moment I am sharing.
Thursday, January 21, 2021
You don’t have to tell me twice Co-Star.
Friday, January 22, 2021
Why does the laundromat also feel a bit like the DMV?
Saturday, January 23, 2021
Do you…not…have bubbles…in your house?
Sunday, January 24, 2021
This week, paying subscribers were probably wondering where I was. Honestly, me too. If you want to join the search for me, consider becoming a paid subscriber.