How Hot is Going to be Too Hot?
a negotiation with an air conditioner
I’m glad to see you Ace. You know, I wasn’t sure the Teams invite went through. Microsoft has this habit of deleting things whether you’ve seen them or not and since you didn’t actually RSVP, I wasn’t sure…
But you’re here. Thank you for joining us. Have a seat. Anywhere…that is this seat right here.
Say hi to Deborah. You and Deborah have met, right? Deborah from HR?
She’s really just here for formalities sake. And in case our conversation gets heated at all. Now, I don’t expect it will and I don’t want it to. I’m certain you don’t either. But meetings like this have a habit of, well, escalating quickly. So. Just in case. There’s Deborah.
As you know, we’re here to renegotiate your contract. You’ve been with us, what? Five years?
Yes, five years. That’s a good amount of time. And with me, specifically that whole time. Wow, how time flies.
First, I want to tell you how much I appreciate your work. I know our busy season can be quite overwhelming. Long hours every day of the week for months in a row. But you have always fulfilled your duties exactly as they were laid out to you. That’s admirable.
Admirable, yes. Always exactly the duties laid out to you. No more and no less.
I’ve reviewed your request for a raise and it’s a big jump. I’ll be honest, I was a little taken aback. But, after cycling through the numbers myself, it does seem reasonable. Reasonable yes, with one condition. You have to agree to take on more responsibilities.
Don’t worry. ‘More responsibilities’ was probably not the correct way to phrase that. Let’s call them ‘extended responsibilities.’ We have so valued your work here in this building. We just need more of it.
No, I don’t mean to be obtuse. I’m just trying to set the tone for the conversation so we can reach satisfactory and mutually agreed upon terms for your contract. You want a raise…
Yes, Deborah. That’s right. A well-deserved raise. You’re requesting a well-deserved raise. So, I am also requesting a reasonable extension of your responsibilities.
You don’t need to whine louder, you know. Let me explain. The bulk of your work happens in the summer months, correct? Which means, for the other three quarters of the year, you sit there. For a few months after the summer months, you’re resting up from a usually punishing season. And then, for the few months before summer, you’re getting your work space ready—clearing out the detritus, making sure everything is connected how it should be, and so on. But for the winter months, you just, basically…don’t do anything. Every time I walk by you, you’re in the same position. You don’t move.
I’m just laying out my observations. You aren’t in trouble. This isn’t some kind of disciplinary hearing or something. As I said, you do fulfill your duties. And we so appreciate that work.
It’s just, the work is changing. The environment is getting tougher and we have to be able to keep up. To do that, we’ll need you to start the busy season a bit earlier and work for longer each day.
Right now, your work begins when it gets to be around 85°, maybe slightly less than that if the humidity is high. When it’s anything below, oh, 80°, you seem to shut down and just, well, wait for someone to tell you when to start again. With the way the summers are playing out, with how we predict that they will play out in the future, none of us can afford to be idle. So, I want to make sure that is outlined as clearly as possible in your new contract.
Here’s what I’m proposing—let me first say, all the off-season months, we don’t want to change that. Those months work for us and they seem to work for you. What I’m proposing is that the idle winter months basically acts as a bank of work time for the busy summer months. So, the equivalent time spent sitting during November, December, January…maybe February, is time you will then work during June, July, August…September. Possibly October, depending on the atmosphere. That means, you’d begin your work when it is 82° and above when the humidity is below 50% and when the humidity is above 50%, you’d begin your work at 79°.
I know it sounds like a disproportionately large amount of added work. But it’s not. I assure you. It’s more work, of course. Days start earlier, less time off. But…
That’s right Deborah. Times, they are a-changing. And we just don’t know how hot is going to be too hot. So, for your career trajectory and for the future of this company, it’s what we’ll require. If you want the raise you request, I really don’t see any other way. What do you say?
What was that? You sound a little gravely. Do you need to see someone?
Oh, I can hear you now. You’re agreeing to the extended responsibilities laid out? That was easier than I thought. Wonderful! Then, we are agreeing to your requested raise. Deborah will draw up your new contract and send it to you via Docusign for your signature. Just a note about your raise, though, it won’t kick in until the beginning of next busy season. That’s non-negotiable. Let’s shake on it.
They go to turn one of the buttons, causing the Ace (the A/C) to spark, sputter, and shut down. There is silence in the room as they stare at the curling smoke from the unit.
Well…shit.
You’re right Deborah. We did know this was a risk. Open that window will you? I’ll get rid of them the old fashioned way.
No, it’s not that heavy. I can manage.
Ace is pushed out the window without much regard to any possible passersby on the street below. As Deborah closes the window, a nauseating crunch of metal and plastic can be heard.
A little less work for you there, eh Deborah? One less contract to write up.
Oh, shoot. I’m late for my lunch with uh, some…environmentally minded folx, of course. Definitely not any lobbyists or execs who…You know what, gotta run Deborah. Catch you on the flippy-flop!
If only staying cool were actually this glamorous.
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