Hamburger Helper, Heat Stroke, and a Long Island Iced Tea

things I forgot to love

Hello. Is it me you’re waiting for?

I am continuing on with the subscription donation project. For February and March, the organization is the MENA Arts Advocacy Coalition. If you are new here (welcome!) or need a refresher, you can always find more details on the project on my About page.

I have also decided to extend the paid subscription discount offer! Paid subscriptions are 10% off for the whole next year as a celebration for NYC Decade-aversary. If you want to upgrade, between now and August is a great time.

It’s also also always a great time to share the newsletter. I’ll never forget to love you if you share it.

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Did you know, as humans, we “grow” and “change”?? Wild, I know. I just found out and it is blowing. my. mind.

…good joke, Samantha. That’s what your whole newsletter is about.

Okay, yes. You’ve got me there. That is indeed what this newsletter is usually about on a *makes some weird arm movements* cosmic scale. Usually, I’m approaching the “growing” and “changing” of myself from an existential angle. I can’t help it, it’s inherent to my nature. And, honestly, I wouldn’t change it. My brain is messy and it’s messy in a way that is all mine. 

But, recently, I was thinking about the ins-and-outs of how we grow on the quieter levels. I was thinking about the ways we change that are almost undetectable until years later, if we ever notice them at all. I was thinking about it in terms of the things we love, the things that round out our lives, that we eventually lose track of or forget about.

And I think that’s kind of beautiful. We all have things we grew up with, that are big loud parts of our lives for a time, that eventually become part of the silent history of our growth. Activities, people, tv shows, books, stuffed animals etc. etc.—all things that round out our edges until the edges become so smooth, we don’t need them to work so hard anymore. 

Finding a way to reconnect with our younger selves is something that I and a lot of my friends work to find, particularly when everything around us is *gestures vaguely around.* It brings joy and happiness and, of course, some healing. It’s all very valuable.

I also think there is a lot of value in the things we loved that we don’t need to love anymore. That did their job and hang out in our closets (metaphorical or physical, dealer's choice) and they may be revisited occasionally but fill out boxes that don’t actually need to be opened very often again. 

Surprise. The opening to this newsletter became a lot more sentimental than I was planning. (No twist.) It’s a messy brain that is all mine, okay?

All that said, I have been thinking about all the stuff I forgot to love. So, I thought I’d share a few of them. YES, IN LIST FORM. (Again, no twist.) 

THE CHINOOK, MONTANA SWIMMING POOL
As a kid, we usually spent a good week or two with Grandma in Chinook every summer. We lived in Montana until I was seven so it was more time then but even after we moved to Washington, it was a necessary ritual. Chinook is a town that is maybe one square mile in size. One of those small towns that I was related to probably half of in some way. The city pool was a couple of blocks from Grandma’s house. It couldn’t have cost more than $1 to go into, if it wasn’t free. My brother, my two cousins, and I would spend all day there, coming back to grandma’s house for dinner, waterlogged and sunburnt. I almost always got heat exhaustion that bordered on heat stroke. If I was lucky, as I drifted in and out of sleep, some lightning would flash brightly across the Montana plains. 

TGIF SHOWS
In the years between being too young to watch a wide swath of programming and being old enough to have Friday night plans, there was TGIF programming. TGIF programming was the best. Shows like Family Matters, Boy Meets World, Sabrina the Teenage Witch? I couldn’t get enough. It was the ritual. There was Friday fast food (Taco Bell for me, Burger King for my brother) and all our favorite fictional friends. Also, there were occasionally movies from the tv shows?? Yes, please. …where are all the Sabrina movies?! I need to hang out with her in Rome.

LASAGNA HAMBURGER HELPER
Look, it was a special night when it was Hamburger Helper night. Cover that shit in extra cheese and give me a big ol’ bowl. And seconds, please.

COMEDY CENTRAL PRESENTS
My family is a family of stand-up lovers. Also, a family of people who probably could do a stand-up routine if they tried hard enough. We could all be failed stand-ups I’m sure! The dream.

The original run of Comedy Central Presents were half hour stand-up specials that felt like it made stand-up accessible in a new way for a new generation. It was also new exposure for a lot of up-and-coming comedians: Maria Bamford, Jim Gaffigan, Mike Birbiglia. Many that would go on to be bigger names. But the ones that really stick with me were those that, inexplicably have remained less known. Elvira Kurt was a favorite in our house. Her set included jokes about the torture devices our playgrounds used to be filled with when people our parents’ age were kids and about being young and thinking you looked good in everything you wore. She talked about sleeping in her swimsuit all the time and about the sailor suit her Mom would dress her in. With a hand to her forehead to represent her wild kid hair, she said, “I’ve been sleeping in my bathing suit and I feeeeeeel fiiiiinnneeee.” That’s a quote, at least, that I do not forget to love.

CIRCLE TIME BEFORE EVERY HIGH SCHOOL PLAY PERFORMANCE
Before every high school play performance, after the set was set, all the costumes were on, the make-up was all done (which I did for everyone) and checked, the whole cast and crew would stand in a circle in the green room and hold hands. There were always mentions of sweaty palms and jokes about whatever show we were doing. We usually had a long run of four whole performances so, we really got those circles in. For the most part, it was just a connection thing. But the final performance of the second show of the year, we had to do the circle early because it was time for the seniors to say their good-byes and their sappy words. The second play was usually in March so it’s not like they were graduating the next day but, inevitably, a good portion of us would shed some tears. Then we’d all wipe our noses, reapply Ben Nye foundation back to them, and do the final performance of the play—with gratitude and make-up that looked just a little bit off.

ALL BROADWAY MUSICALS FROM 1999 - 2005
Without any working knowledge of what New York City was actually like, by the time I hit high school, I was certain I would end up there. Probably on Broadway, in fact! Singing! AND acting! So, I knew I had to be knowledgeable about what was happening on those stages. I bought or requested every Original Cast Recording CD and learned them backwards and forwards. When it was my turn to pick music in the car, I always subjected my family to the longest musical I could find (usually Rent) and scream-singed through the whole thing. My best friend and I could often be found singing “Take Me or Leave Me” in various situations. To be honest, I made that happen, especially when no one asked for it. I watched the Tonys every year with rapt attention and learned the musical numbers, performing them in my living room. And, in the case of “Gimme Gimme” from Thoroughly Modern Millie, I did, in fact, perform that song for my final show choir performance. Hell, I even subscribed to the New Yorker, mostly to read the poems, look at the pictures, and read theatre reviews. I can’t remember the last time I listened to a musical from that specific era. But, in my head, I can see myself performing “My New Philosophy” in my living room along with Kristin every time I put on the VHS of the recorded Tonys to live out my fantasy. 

$7 LONG ISLAND ICED TEAS
SEVEN DOLLARS. And we thought $7 was a lot in college. Honestly, it’s questionable if I did love these or not or if, realistically, I remember what happened when I drank them. But I did love the people and the dive bar/diner where we got them and always seemed to forget what the next day would be like when I drank them. 

STACKED
Y’all! Do you know about Stacked??? It was a show that took place in a LA bookstore. And the premise was Pamela Anderson worked at the bookstore. I mean, whoever her character was but you can imagine what the main plot line was. And Christopher Lloyd was there. And so was Marissa Jaret-Winokur, fresh off her Tony win. And it was not good. It did not last long on TV. But the year I lived in a house in college, we had the DVD set and we watched it a lot. Because why not?

AMERICANO BY LADY GAGA
I had a quick foray into running when I lived in Seattle in my mid-20s. And by quick foray, I mean, I ran a half marathon. And then I ran a 15K on the day I left for my grad school interview in New York. LOOK AT HER GO. For some reason, one of my major running songs was Americano. I remember distinctly running on the treadmill in my parents’ basement playing this song on a loop. Just another thing I subjected my poor family to. I’d say sorry but the day I did that was a really good workout.

THE COLLECTIVE EXPERIENCE OF GETTING READY TO GO OUT
This is something that was, of course, true in college but I especially remember from my days living on the edge of downtown Seattle. Now, I was not a huge “go-out” sort of person. At least not to clubs. And I’m still not really. But one of my favorite things was when the whole apartment would get ready to go out whether we were heading out to the same places or not. Chatting and make-up and pre-funking and other friends popping in. There is a real camaraderie to being young and wanting to be in the world in the very specific way people in their 20s want to be in the world. It was learning to be adults and leaning on friends and roommates and wanting to be out and about. I will say, too much flavored vodka though. I never forget to not love that. 

So, that’s it. Some of it. Some of the things I forgot to love that I took out from the back of the closet for a minute. What have you forgot to love?