For once, I'm not making a list.
You can gasp now.
Programming note: No newsletter from me next week. Not that you need a reason but it’s because I’m very important. I have many leather bound books. All my shelves are made of deep mahogany. Well, it’s actually because I am a little busy and we can all use a day off now and then. I’ll be back on Sunday, May 12th.
I’m not doing a lot of things this year.
Well, I’m not doing at least two things this year. The first one, decided way back in January, is picking a word for the year.
Now, I’ve decided, I’m not making a spring cleaning list and plan this year.
No, the sky is not falling (last I checked). Yes, I decided not to make a list about something.
March 19th was the start of spring this year. It’s almost May. So, if I was going to make a spring cleaning list and plan, ideally, I would have done that by the end of March. It’s the end of April and I have yet to do it. It would be easy to say it’s something that simply slipped my mind (wow, a lot of alliteration there) until now. It would be easy and it would be true to an extent. But now I’m fully aware that I’ve not yet made the list. And I’m not going to.
Spring cleaning became a big, and surprisingly fun, project for me in 2021. Obviously, we were waist deep in the pandemic and I was spending a lot of time alone in my apartment. Simultaneously, I was about a year into living alone for the first time. In a space that was just for me, I was learning all sorts of things. Even in the midst of the pandemic, I was into it. But, you know, I still needed some stuff to occupy my time. Well, I needed stuff to do beyond the constant anxiety about things and a deep, clinical depression that was amplified by my job. I needed the distraction, I love to organize, and I can be very ruthless about getting rid of stuff. A very thorough spring clean was exactly the answer.
Spring cleaning 2021 was a rousing success. Spring cleaning 2022 was…eventually a success. I didn’t finish it until summer that year (see: aforementioned clinical depression). Spring cleaning 2023 happened. It definitely happened. I remember because I had gotten a new notebook just to make lists in and I wrote that list out twice. I don’t, however, remember if it was a rousing success or a long project. Neither? Both. Ehhh.
This year, I’m not making the list. Or the plan. That doesn’t mean I won’t do any spring cleaning—she says with two boxes from a closet clean-out taking up precious real estate in her living room. It means, I’m not going to list my way into a forced march through distraction this year.
What’s that? I’ve already said I’m not making the list? Well, that’s because I’m adamant about it! So, you might hear it again!
Jokes aside (never), I am being very deliberate about the not doing of it this year. I’m trying to be deliberate about a lot of things I’m not doing this year. Because, I’m also trying to be very deliberate about things I am doing this year.
As I sat down to write today’s newsletter, I revisited the one where I talked about my word of the year tradition. I’m a pisces so I love to existentially revisit stuff. Mostly, I thought it would be good context for why I made that decision this year. It was. And actually, I mused on some words that would probably be good at the end of the post. “Reimagine” being the biggest one. But, the reasoning why I didn’t commit to it still makes sense to me. When I pick a word, the goal is to provide guidance and encouragement for myself. It feels a bit like a way to push myself out of my comfort zone which, let’s be honest, I can use some help with sometimes. I’ve said it before, I don’t mind change and I’ll definitely make a leap every now and then. That’s the big things though. Once I’m in a routine that feels comfortable to me, my little introverted heart craves the moment-to-moment stability. The little things stay comfortable and I stay comfortable in them—which means, I also start to stagnate inside of them. Sometimes it’s those little, comfortable things you really need a push away from.
I haven’t felt like I’ve been in any sort of comfort zone for a long time now. The comfort zone has been out of reach since at least May 2023. But, if I really think about it, I don’t know if I’ve even spent any significant time in my comfort zone since May 2016, when I graduated from grad school. So, trying to use something to help me get out of something that I realized actually I’m already out of it didn’t seem necessary. (Did you follow that?)
Sometimes, we don’t need to use tools we’ve used in the past because the thing we used them for doesn’t need the routine repair. It’s holding together okay on its own. It’s the mid-grade ikea furniture that stays together for a long(er) time. Although, that furniture does still get dusty.
Which brings us back to spring cleaning. (Great metaphor and segue, I know.)
From a practical standpoint, I don’t need to attack spring cleaning with the same vigor I usually do. I’ve done a good job of purging in the last couple of years. Of donating things. Of sending things to be recycled. Of sending things to be sold. Of giving things away. Sometimes, after I do a cleaning, I use it as an excuse to buy more stuff. Not more stuff in excess or anything. But more stuff that, say, fits me and my style better. Or that, say, is better quality and will last longer. Well, I’ve been without a steady income for a while now, so I have not bought that much stuff. I’m in a pretty comfortable place with the things I have. I know what things I need and want when the moment presents itself. But, for now, I’m living with what I have just fine.
From the physical standpoint, I don’t have the same energy for this sort of activity that I’ve had in the past. Yes, I need to do some deeper cleaning—pulling things out of cabinets, taking everything off my shelves and bookshelves to dust, a good floor cleaning—but nothing that requires prolonged concerted effort. That stuff will happen. My therapist says she thinks I’m deep in the chrysalis. What I know about the chrysalis is that it’s very gooey and I will require a good hosing down when all is said and done. And, I still like to procrastinate after all. These are good tasks for procrastination.
From a time standpoint, committing myself to activities that require long periods alone in my apartment seems a bit like wasting time. Cleaning is not a waste of time, of course. Using it as an excuse to actively not focus on other things that feel like they will move me forward, does feel like wasting time. I’ve spent too long feeling like I’m wasting time. I’m trying not to do that anymore.
From a mental standpoint, I have other stuff to fill that space with. I have other stuff to focus on. Some of the same old. But also some other stuff. Other stuff I’m excited about.
Deliberate seems to be the name of the game this year. Wait…is that the word?
No no. Don’t worry. This is not a long post that is ultimately a prank. I suspect the words will come and go and that particular tool will stay in the toolbox this year.
Not making a list is a decision right now. Not treading a well worn path. Being very deliberate is intertwined with that decision. Because things are starting to feel different. Spending an inordinate amount of time making a spring cleaning list and plan right now feels like saying to myself, “Okay. It’s not gonna work out. Let’s do this same old thing.” Not making this particular list and plan asks an entirely different question. It asks, “Well, what if it all works out?”
Because, what if?
What if it all works out?
You can be excited and still need a nap in the afternoon.
I am continuing on with the subscription donation project. For April and May, the organization is the Inclusive Outdoors Project. If you are new here (welcome!) or need a refresher, you can always find more details on the project on my About page.
Paid subscribers help fund my writing life. SO, I have also decided to extend the paid subscription discount offer! Paid subscriptions are 10% off for the whole next year as a celebration for NYC Decade-aversary. If you want to upgrade, between now and August is a great time. Or, if a one time support is more your thing, my venmo is @samjeancoop.
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