Are you gonna, like, haunt me now?

A Surprise in the Shower

Before, say, Thursday or so, I didn’t realize that this was a Halloween Partayyyyyyy weekend. I kept thinking it would be next weekend which is silly because of course it’s this weekend. And then also next weekend. And the only reason I even put mini kitkat and ice cream together was because of various people who told me they had Halloween plans this weekend. 

First off, okay you social butterflies. Go on with your costumed selves!

Secondly, okay Samantha Jean. If you were gonna make plans for this weekend…ya missed it.

It’s alright. Don’t you worry about me. I’m being my regular ol’ happily spooky self just like any other time of the year. Oh, and I do have Halloween candy around which is probably the most important part of this whole thing.

Inspired by this spooky and stressful time (Early voting has started here in New York. Are you ready? What’s your plan?) I’m doing things a little bit differently for the newsletter for the next couple of weeks. In March of 2021, I wrote a very short play every day of the month. Technically, the plan was to write a one-minute play every day but I’m relatively certain none of them are only one minute. It was a great exercise and actually very fun. I’ve shared a few of these very short plays with paid subscribers but beyond that, I haven’t really shared them more widely and a couple of them feel particularly fitting for right now. So, here we are.

This week, I have a spooky and cheeky very short play for you. Next week, it’s one that speaks more to the stressful vibes in the air.

I hope you’re having some spooky fun, remembering to breathe, and eating way more than what is considered a “reasonable” amount of sweet things.

BOO. I mean, uh…enjoy.

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(A dark bathroom. The door opens slowly. WOMAN turns on the light. She approaches the closed shower curtain cautiously. She tears it back! There’s no one there, thank goodness. She sighs with relief and closes the curtain again. She starts her evening routine, teeth brushing first. 

All of a sudden the shower curtain rustles. WOMAN stops dead in her tracks. The shower curtain opens quickly. It’s a GHOST!

The GHOST is whatever version of a GHOST the WOMAN most wants and, well, doesn’t want to see. Victorian maybe? An outlaw? Civil War soldier? Old Italian grandma? Have fun! Go nuts! Regardless of whatever flavor it is, the GHOST speaks in modern language.)

WOMAN
You’re here!

GHOST
You know me?

WOMAN
No…?
I mean
well
I thought someone was in the shower. 
I’m always checking the shower. 
You weren’t there a minute ago. 

GHOST
I don’t understand time anymore. 

WOMAN
But you’re here now. 

GHOST
Am I?

WOMAN
I seeeeeeeee you. You are right there. 

GHOST
Fascinating. 
I thought I was here this whole time. 
But you are just seeing me now?
You know, someday I’ll get this whole thing 
but
today
is not
that 
day. 

WOMAN
The whole time?

GHOST
Yep. 

WOMAN
How long?

GHOST
Since you moved in.

WOMAN
Two years?

GHOST
No.
I guess…
well, since I died.

WOMAN
When was that?

GHOST
Don’t know. I don’t understand time. 

WOMAN
You look like you’ve been dead awhile. 

GHOST
Hey! I don’t come into your house and call you
decomposed. 

WOMAN
You did come in my house though.

GHOST
Technically…
I’ve been here the longest. 
So.

WOMAN
Ah God
are you gonna like
haunt me now?

GHOST
I have been. 
This whole time. 

WOMAN
Oh. 

GHOST
Yeah. 

WOMAN
Okay. 
I’m just…gonna close this curtain again. 

GHOST
Sure.
I’ll be here. 
We can continue this later. 

WOMAN
Good. 
Thanks. 
Uh…good night?

GHOST
I. don’t. understand. time. 

WOMAN
Cool. Cool. Cool. 

(WOMAN closes the shower curtain, waits a second or two and then opens it again. GHOST is gone. Well, not gone. At least not visible to her again. She closes the curtain slowly. Then goes back to brushing her teeth.)

---

Never not funny to me.

THANK YOU for reading. You are never just a number to me! If you’d like to learn more about the newsletter, here’s my About page. It’s about…me…and this…newsletter.

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