A Portrait of a Lady in the Shower
In NYC, you can't control any of the five great elements.
It’s the first day of March. It’s Saturday morning and I’m just out of bed. Seems like the perfect time for a shower, a perfect way to start the month so fresh and so clean clean.
But first, an out-loud pep talk to my shower:
Okay, look. You’ve been a bit wishy-washy in the past, a bit hot-and-cold if you will. But, this shower will probably only be 15 minutes, at the most. You can manage a steady temperature for that amount of time, right? That’s not so long, huh bebe? You can do it! I know you can. [very serious] I know you can.
I turn the hot water tap three turns to the left. Then the cold water tap one and a half to the left. I disappear to my room to get shower-ready, hoping this will be a good baseline.
When I return barely two minutes later, the water is already too hot.
I turn the hot water tap back a turn to the right and the cold water tap another turn to the left. I run my hand through the cascading water to feel the temperature. Still a bit too hot. Hot water tap another half turn to the right and the cold water tap another turn to the left. This seems to do the trick. I get in the shower immediately so as not to waste any time with this completely acceptable-ish water temperature.
Out-loud:
It’s a little chilly but totally manageable. Just…stay this way. This temperature is fine. You hear me?! Fine!
The first five minutes of the shower remain on the colder side of perfectly pleasant but I’m pleased. I decide to shave my legs to further the fresh start for the fresh month. I make it part-way through my right leg when
the water turns freezing cold. We’re talking iceberg-dead-ahead cold. As I quickly point the shower head in a different direction, the gasp that escapes my lips is more like a growl.
Out-loud:
Nooooo. You were doing so good! Well, you were doing good enough. And aren’t we all doing good enough…wait, don’t distract me! You are too cold!
An aggressive turn of the hot water tap to the left and an angry turn of the cold water tap to the right. I wait, knowing the water was going to get much hotter before it will even out.
…it’s still too cold. One more turn of the hot water to the left.
…The temperature doesn’t seem to be changing. Until…
Out-loud:
Too hot. TOO HOT. That’s not what I wanted you to do!
This time the aggressive turn is of the cold water tap which, unsurprisingly, makes the water too cold. I turn the cold water back to the right a bit and turn the hot water up slightly more. It gets…colder. For some reason?
Out-loud:
I turned you down. You aren’t supposed to get colder!
Just as my hands hover above the taps, the water temperature seems to even out enough. Just barely enough but enough to quickly finish shaving my legs and move on to the final phase of the shower.
Out-loud:
Only like two minutes left. You just have to stay this temperature for two more minutes. Think you can do that? [desperate] Please?
As quickly as possible, I go through the final loofa-ing. I’m almost at the end when
the water turns scalding hot.
Out-loud:
AHHHhhhhhHHHHHNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
I am defeated. And burnt to a crisp.
Out-loud:
But we were so close. Why couldn’t you just stay one temperature for two? minutes?
My hands play the taps like an out-of-tune piano until the water is…back to fine. I race through the final seconds of my shower. I turn off the taps with lightning speed. Then, with a heavy sigh, I stand staring deep into the future.
Out-loud:
Someday I will live somewhere where the water from my shower head is perfectly pleasant all the time.
*
Epilogue Thought:
I should really warm up my vocal chords before my showers if I am going to growl this much.
This is the opposite of my bathing experience.
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I love your writing- it feels like I was there with you (in an absolutely normal way for one to be in the shower with another) and I sympathize with your water temperature pains. I guess we can tell ourselves it builds character? Not that we need it to, of course. Sending you steamy, hottish/nice-warm water vibes for next time. 🫶