I do okay with the unknown.
The Week in Selfies: 5/4/20 - 5/10/20
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“I don’t have anywhere else to go,” I squeaked as I sat on my bathroom floor, clutching my phone and choking back tears.
This is a patently false statement. But Anxiety is irrational. And dramatic.
As much as I have tried to leave much of the childhood dramatics in the past, anything housing related really brings my “Where’s my fainting couch? I’m gonna fall over.” feelings right to the surface. Anxiety is a bitch that loves theatrics.
Up until this point, I operated in this uncharted new world but just doing my routine. I spent most of my weekdays in my room, emailing the same response about the process for rescheduling shows to concerned theatre makers across the country. I would pop out occasionally for beverages or snacks, maybe take a peek out the balcony. In the evening, I would chat with my roommate for a bit and then retreat back into my room. The weekends were mostly the same, minus the emailing.
Everything was different; I don’t think my body understood that yet. But, at some point, your body will catch up to the reality of the situation.
The first Sunday of May, my roommates and I met about the future of the apartment. Looking back, the outcome was sort of inevitable. Even then, I knew that. There was too much uncertainty. It was time for a split.
While the official outcome wasn’t set for another few days, ultimately, the plan was that both my roommates were going home to their families indefinitely. These choices were so logical, especially for an illogical time.
And I melted. I went to my bathroom, slid down the wall, and called my Mom. Leaving New York didn’t feel right for me but trying to find two new strangers in the middle of a pandemic to fill the empty rooms in the apartment didn’t feel right either. My Mom suggested going back to Seattle, where I had lived for a few years before moving to New York. But what would I do in Seattle? Sleep on an air mattress in my best friend's living room for an indefinite amount of time and probably ruin her marriage?? That was not on my pandemic bingo card, thank you very much. Of course, going to my family’s home in Spokane was technically possible as well butttttt…look, I love my family and both my Mom and I knew that was not the ideal option.
I sat, a crumpled mess on a dirty tile floor quickly cycling through options for the next place to be while listening to the constant sirens outside my window, and this is when my body caught up. This is when I really realized how different things were going to be, how different they already were. It feels silly to say it took two months to get there. And goes to show how much you can operate on autopilot if you stick to a routine.
Ultimately, I decided I would try to look for a place to live alone. It’s something I wanted to do for a long time and assumed, because it’s New York and I work in theatre, that it would never be a possibility financially. But hell, everything was different so why not give this a try too?
And, you know, I do okay with the unknown. Once I know the general exit I’m looking for, I’m okay trying all the roads to get there.
Monday, May 4, 2020
Sleep was elusive the night before and I called out of work. I watched the entirety of the first season of Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist which was very charming and a great excuse to cry a lot. A LOT.
Tuesday, May 5, 2020
Get up. Try again.
Wednesday, May 6, 2020
Nope. Lay back down.
Thursday, May 7, 2020
I’d say this picture speaks for itself.
Friday, May 8, 2020
This is what happens when Disney Channel original stars grow up and have a themed zoom happy hour in a pandemic.
Saturday, May 9, 2020
Sunday, May 10, 2020
I viewed my first apartment this day. The hallway was bigger than the living space but it did have a dishwasher. I still wonder what it would be like to have a dishwasher.
Last week, paying subscribers heard about the time I had strep throat so bad a nurse diagnosed me from ACROSS THE ROOM. That’s really the whole story but, uh…if that sounds intriguing to you, consider becoming a paid subscriber.